far away from the maddening crowd I sometimes pause but the money comes to me sticks and never stays I play sometimes I cry sometimes and sometimes and blocks. next line is very difficult to begin. its not that I tried I don’t pry sometimes it feels it’s senseless and pointless in the night listening to my roommates having fun.
that’s a long sigh of depletion and depression. watch preppy funny upbeat indie movies to get depressed
Today I sneezed so hard, I could smell blood. It had a metallic tang to it.
Write down your thoughts to take it off your mind. Read more stuff to clutter your brain.
Maybe he who said that reading is making me crazy is probably true.
Read Drones, Dirt Bikes and Other Ways to Fly. Hated it. What a fucking dirt book. I don’t even remember who suggested this crap.
I should’ve slept the 4 hours I spent reading it.
Usually, shit happens.
But sometimes, very rarely, life opens up a whole new possibility, a new light to bask under, a new happiness to smile under. The superficiality fades away, and you realize this is where you let go, and enjoy the ride. It maybe wrong, it maybe taboo, it maybe against all the good wisdom acquired in a lifetime, but all those things don’t matter… at all. It feels so right, so good and just so right.
But then usually, as always, shit happens.
As the pitter patter of the rain outside my windows robbed away my sleep, I’d two options. I could either get up and try to finish off that document I’ve been trying to work on or keep tossing and turning in my bed and wait for that elusive sleep.
The other option was to get up, have a drink, and think about the passage of time.
I chose the third option…
* * *
Coming of age has been a favorite expression of mine for some time now. To put things into perspective, I’ll be thirty by the end of this year.
In all the movies that I see, there is one moment, that one defining moment, when the protagonist realizes something deep, and that realization changes him. She/he understands the significance of that moment and “grows up”, and does something which is completely different to his/her philosophy of life till then.
I’m not sure if I had the moment. I’m sure there were moments which would’ve helped me be a grown up, but I never did (grow up). I keep waiting for a sign, which would tell me I’ve had a good run thus far, and now it is time to let go off my old ways and embrace the new.
But the old ways is me, if I change it, would I be a different person?
I look at myself, I know I have changed, but I cannot put pinpoint where or how or why. I’ve come very far from the day I landed in Bangalore with a backpack and a sense of adventure. The adventure is dead and the backpack trashed,along with other memories. But I keep hoping.
Hoping for what exactly, I’m not sure.
My life has been led by choosing the easiest path. It has been ruled by averting risks. I have had to rationalize most of the decisions I’ve ever taken, and the ones I couldn’t I continue regretting them. I know it’s the end of the road for change, and I know I need to change, but then how do I do it?
Every weekday I keep hoping for the weekend, that one weekend, I’ll take control of my life. Before every weekend, I make up a hazy decision on things I need to do, but by Sunday evening, I’ll be wondering if I should start them now. Thus the weekend comes and goes, and the wait continues.
I keep hoping that by ignoring problems, they’ll go away. And I’ve been lucky all my life, because it’s been going away. Now suddenly when running away is not an option, I find myself woefully unprepared to fight.
* * *
And then a lightning strikes somewhere, and the darkness is shamed into revealing its secrets outside my window, and I think nothing ever changes.
I remember the old lines by Gibran – For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
Does it mean, death is melting into the sun, dissolving into light and becoming nothing? So is living, being a blot in the day, a prism to split the sun, and create some rainbows while at it?
* * *
Expectation: Save a lot of money!
How: By not spending. divide the spending into essentials and non-essentials. Curtailing the non-essential spending.
Reality: Non-essential spending makes life bearable. So a fine balance is required.
Alternative approach: Blog about it.
Expectation: To quit smoking completely.
How: By not smoking
Reality: Can quit for couple of days, but unable to keep it consistent.
Alternative approach: Blog about it.
Expectation: Be really good at work. Kill the Asset Tracking.
How: I need to be really good at Asset Tracking. Also be really good at being on top of all the deliverable.
Reality: Concentration, hard work, dedication are hard to come by.
Alternative approach: maybe not blog about it, but try harder I guess!
Expectation: Write GMAT by end of June
How: Study towards it, make plans, execute them.
Reality: Time for studies is limited, approach and concentration is hard to come by.
Alternative approach: When there are good friends to show the way, why worry! 🙂
Expectation: Out with the old and in with the new memories.
How: Doing something memorable, skydive, go on a week long road trip, go camping, go hiking, meet new people, greet old friends, do something I fear.
Reality: Time, money and company!
Alternative approach: Blog about it.
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