far away from the maddening crowd I sometimes pause but the money comes to me sticks and never stays I play sometimes I cry sometimes and sometimes and blocks. next line is very difficult to begin. its not that I tried I don’t pry sometimes it feels it’s senseless and pointless in the night listening to my roommates having fun.

that’s a long sigh of depletion and depression. watch preppy funny upbeat indie movies to get depressed

Declutter the mind

Write down your thoughts to take it off your mind. Read more stuff to clutter your brain.

Maybe he who said that reading is making me crazy is probably true.

Read Drones, Dirt Bikes and Other Ways to Fly. Hated it. What a fucking dirt book. I don’t even remember who suggested this crap.

I should’ve slept the 4 hours I spent reading it.

Be better at work

Expectation: Be really good at work. Kill the Asset Tracking.

How: I need to be really good at Asset Tracking. Also be really good at being on top of all the deliverable.

Reality: Concentration, hard work, dedication are hard to come by.

Alternative approach: maybe not blog about it, but try harder I guess!

Wirte GMAT

Expectation: Write GMAT by end of June

How: Study towards it, make plans, execute them.

Reality: Time for studies is limited, approach and concentration is hard to come by.

Alternative approach: When there are good friends to show the way, why worry! 🙂

Relatives relationships and realities

I rarely go home. Even when I go, I make sure I leave immediately, like within a day or two. Going home is a torture for me, where I have to portray someone different. Or just stay in my room, stare at my laptop, smoke on the terrace, when nobody is watching, sitting furtively.

It used to curtail my freedom is what I used to think, and then it became part of me, to hate going home.

Eventually, I spent more than a week at home, for a cousins wedding. I knew I didn’t have to be there for the entire week, and I went more out of a guilt trip by my other cousins than anything else.

But the week went pretty well. I loved one of my cousin’s kid, and could’ve strangled another. I did lots of work in and around the home, fixing the electrical installations, clearing up the really badly done garden, doing some midnight car washing, shopping, driving around.

The wedding was pretty boring as usual, but for a change, I loved seeing the relatives, at least the ones I know. Without being too cliched, they seemed really nice, and simple and had a child like innocence. Most of them work out of middle east, and come to Kerala during the school breaks, and hence they know how to show the love and affection.

I remember when my good friend got married, it was a shock, to know that he was even considering marriage, he took the safer route, found a girl his family would approve of, and got married to her, and thereby kept himself part of the whole relative shebang. (I’ve been using shebang a lot lately and is currently my favorite word). I understand that now, and I probably would want to do something similar, if I ever had to take the extreme step.

Of course that was the major point of discussion, when was I getting married, if I was seeing someone, if I had any problem(s)!!? I wonder if they thought I was gay.

Also I’m feeling close to my relatives, probably because of my non-existent (social) life. I tried half my life, trying to drive people away from me, and it succeeded!

Normally weird

My family is possibly not the weirdest ever, but its surely far from normal. I mean, my parents are probably the most level headed people ever, with their own little insecurities. My cousins are quite sane as well. Oh but the other relatives, they probably take the cake.

I’d an aunt whose normal was being angry, and going ballistic. I’m sure not even a single day passes by where she is not screaming/shouting/going absolutely nuts on some real or perceived hurt to her dignity and respect. I remember me feeling sorry for her kids, but then when I was a kid, and I’d my own problems to deal with, so I never had time for others grievances. I guess I don’t have it even now!

I’d another aunt, who was possibly the quietest person I know. I remember she being funny, when I was really small. But slowly she stopped talking to anyone, her movements also became very quiet, till suddenly whenever I see her, I’ll think of a small furtive mouse, so quiet, gone before you heard it. She does answer direct questions, but I guess feeling apologetic for asking about her health, curtails all or any other questions.

I recently met my dad’s cousin, whose wife left him, because he bullshits a lot!

Another time I met another uncle, who became such a big drunk that he went bust.

Another uncle of mine, divorced two women, married the third, and is now considering his fourth marriage and next divorce. But from what I heard, he gives regular alimony payments for all his previous wives.

Underneath all these weirdness are a lot of unhappy people though, sad disappointed and disillusioned. Sometimes I feel the facade slipping, but yet another forceful laughter, yet another staring away into space, yet another cigarette or a sip of the tea, and its back. Talking endlessly about everything, except the elephant in the room. There are no confrontations. Everything is swept under the rug, and the drama is so real, its life.