As I stared at the barrel, which was innocently staring back at my eyes, I finally realized what I was missing.
I could’ve not fallen in love. I could’ve not fallen in love with the most heartless bitch there ever was. I could’ve not promised her everything. I could’ve taught her the value of togetherness than the material things. I could’ve told her the concept of a home forever and not a momentary palace. I could’ve left her when she left me. I could’ve not wanted to have her back. I could’ve not gambled for money and lost everything. I could’ve refused to accept the heist job. I could’ve not taken the gun which was offered. I could’ve gone with my better instincts and checked the facts about the job myself. I could’ve been killed in the job. I could’ve surrendered and given the money back and asked for forgiveness. I could’ve not taken the money to her. I could’ve made her not spend the money immediately. I could’ve kept myself low and bought her the house, the car, the jewellery. I could’ve bailed. I could’ve blamed her, I could’ve told them where the money was, I could’ve called her to come with the rest of the money. I could’ve not been staring at the muzzle right now.
I could’ve but I did not. I lived my life, did my part, loved my girl, did my work, killed a few, stole a car, got jailed, did dirty work for dirty people, did even more dirtier work on cleaner people. I got stabbed, I went under the knife, I punched a cop, I got shit kicked out by my friends. There is nothing I did wrong, and I’ll die in peace.
I was missing the need to live. I did not mind dying right now.
I saw the slide move backward, I imagined the firing hammer getting ready, I imagined the bullet from the magazine sliding into the barrel, imagined rather than saw the trigger move, the hammer strike, the firing pin hit the cartridge, the explosion, and the bullet coming out of the barrel.
They say, your entire life flashes through your eyes the moment before you die. I beg to differ. It is not the entire life, its only the times when you were passionate about something that comes to your mind. The times of overt joy, the times of intense depressions, the time I was wild with anger, the time my mind was poisoned with hatred, the days of passionate love, all those moments when I saw something so beautiful that my heart ached, the cold beer after a days work, the first and the last cigarette…
Precisely then, at that instant, when I knew I was going to die, when I knew the bullet will go through my eyes hit my brains and explode inside my head, I realized I wasn’t ready. It is only pain from here on till the end. I wanted the pain to linger on, giving me some more time to experience those feelings I’ll never have, feel those emotions I will never feel, and relive those days that will never come. I would’ve happily traded more time for more pain, I don’t want it to end.
This ever so short excruciating pain, can you please linger on for some more time? There is so much mo…